Blessing In Disguised

Dad tried to wake me up at 7:30am, he was trying to convince me to eat the congee that he cooked (and literally prepared on the table near where I was sleeping) while it was still hot. I was silently resisting the idea since Mr. Sandman came at almost 6:00am. Admittedly, there was a voice in my head saying to stay asleep and just ignore his call but somehow my heart was telling otherwise -- stand up and obey. There was a brief negotiation between my head and my heart but eventually I decided to follow my heart instead for deep inside I knew it was the right and most respectful thing to do – Obedience, to my earthly and heavenly fathers.

As soon as I sat down to thank the Lord for the congee, He suddenly reminded me how much my Dad loves me and I can’t help but be emotional about it. Yes, I am used on the fact that dad prepares my daily meal (that’s why he gets frustrated when he has no means to buy a decent meal for her unica hija) but this one seems to be different, more heartfelt (even if it cost my sleep), can’t explain it in words, all I know is that this morning etched such an insurmountable joy in my heart. There was nothing special on the congee, in fact it was the simplest and most uncomplicated congee I’ve ever tasted in my whole life (get the picture?)! But I know deep inside, it left a heartfelt memory which I know will always remain vivid and would always bring me a happy tear.

It’s truly a blessed morning! God forcibly woke me up (hehehehe…) to remind me how wonderful life is and how wonderful my dad is. Often, God’s blessings comes in the simplest form; Sadly, sometimes because it is too simple, we choose not to obey or even heed, without us realizing what we might have missed.

I am glad the Lord woke me up by His grace, I will never trade nor exchange my congee experience this morning for anything. I would miss the world to have that brief experience again with my dad.

I can never thank God enough; Yes, there may be times of weakness and frustrations but looking back, such is the kind of experience that I would not dare notice, being the kind of person that I was, a proud and broken person that was too busy with her distorted priorities, who allowed the world to define who she should be. My greatest aches, tears and disappointments lead me to the revelation of my utmost thirst, to the people that I should care most and to the divine being who loves me the most, unconditionally.

Thank you Lord, thank you for always reminding me that you hear my desperate pleas, your mighty hand is truly easing my sufferings one by one in spite of my iniquities.

Thank you for continuously loving me and for allowing me to walk in your daily sufficient and unspoken grace.

May 6, 2011 morning congee experience – PRICELESS!!!

Testament of Changed Reality

In the past years, I was taught with a profound sense of humility in the face of tremendous adversity both in my personal and professional life. For years, I operated my life under a belief that I could continuously live in my own liking with just little consequences for everything. I thought I am solely in charged of my life and I own it, so I thought I could do anything that I wanted and that fate was under my control, but I was wrong…truly wrong!

Surviving life itself is challenging and growing up feeling alone while covering and denying all personal pains is indeed a tough feat . I thought I was just normal, living life as it should be, living it to the fullest ! I had tons of so-called friends from all walks of life, a loving boyfriend and a pretty successful career. I was able to buy things that I wanted and went to different places, I may not had everything but I had a life that may be an envy to some.

I fell in love with the world and allowed myself to be succumbed to what it can offer, for the hope that it will bring life and fill the emptiness that I can’t explain. I covered my loneliness with laughter, my insecurity with false confidence through material dependency; I was disrespectful to my parents but I covered it with gifts and monetary support, I became proud but I covered it with false humility so I can please others with the hope that I will be liked and eventually loved by the people that I seek for attention….My life was a complete denial; However, in my grievances and pain, I always remembered that there is a God that I can blame, when the truth was I never thought of Him when I was in my so-called normal predicament; Well, I knew Him by concept, my saving grace when things were going beyond my control and as someone to thank for when my evil thoughts turned into a reality…

I thought I was just insanely blind but I never did realize that I already died long before I knew.

I was like a zombie walking aimlessly, its mere existence didn’t have any meaningful purpose. I was just like bouncing around and floating without gravity wherever the universe will take me….Until the universe took me to an UPWARD direction, I saw the light and has given a chance to see life in a totally different perspective.

The fact that I am writing this blog now is a testament of a changed reality, a change that I didn't expect to happen and a reality that I didn't do that directed me to the eternity that I was silently hoping for, since.

My life is still far from perfect, I still go through daily challenges, excruciating pains and great deal of adversities, I still don’t have everything that I want but I am thankful on the fact that all my needs are provided for; His love and grace in my life is more than enough to bring peace and joy that transcends all understanding.

Thank you Jesus for allowing me to live again.

I now know that I no longer just exist but I am now living life with a purpose.

2 Corinthians 5;17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

JOY in Pain

I spent the entire day at home, thinking things out and stress eating, I wanted to pray but seems that I allowed sadness to get in my way.

For the past 3 days I had some encounters with my dad, he’s surprisingly sober and much less sarcastic and seems to be in a light mood. I was just observing the entire time hoping that he won’t have even a drop of liquor in his system but God is good! Outrage and sarcasm seems to be on vacation.

The whole day I was busy eating, making gourmet sandwiches for myself and making lemongrass ginger tea which I recently learned that it has lots of health benefits and a good cancer prevention drink. While I was busy sipping my afternoon tea as I watch NCIS Strikes Back, I suddenly found myself getting a mug and handing my dad a mug of tea, for some weird and unknown reason it felt really good! It was heart- warming and I got a bit teary eyed. Guess, I really missed my old man and in that simple gesture I felt a certain kind of connection…somehow.

Wish time would come that I would be able to sit down and have a nice chat with dad. One thing is for sure, despite and in spite of the pain I feel whenever my dad is on his not so good behaviour most of the time, I know deep inside, my cries out of the pain was born out of love.

I love you dad!

Run...

I wanna run,

I wanna hide

And just set all my feelings aside

I wanna be still

And just stare

As the wind blows all my thoughts in thin air

I wanna rest and forget

And be somewhere far-fetched

I wanna sleep,

And just fold my eyes

For I no longer want to cry

I just wanna be set free

And feel no pain

Cause it feels like I am just waiting in vain.