Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
My mom was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer last October 2009, I was with her when the doctor broke the news, it didn’t came as a surprise though for prior to the biopsy we already had a hint of what it might be but of course we were all hoping that it won’t be what we thought it was….
My mom was strong enough to take the news; her face had no sign of any fear. In my case, I tried to show strength and tried to ask the doctor as much questions and had him interpreted the answers in layman. I tried my best to held on to the tears which were about to fall, fears succumb my whole being; A lot of how’s and what questions were running in my head….How can we pay for the operation? Would my mom agree to have her right breast be taken out? Etc…etc. It was the first time in our family to face the big C, stage 2 it may seem but in my head it’s still CANCER.
I felt helpless…for a time I doubted God’s love for me. Before the Big C struck my mom I was also going through series of hard knocks…been jobless for more than a year, irreconcilable family, a drunkard father who is always on rage, household bills, unpaid loans, a car that was badly hit by typhoon Ondoy then a mom who was diagnosed with cancer…I asked God what else? What did I do to deserve all these, why do I have to go through these when I’ve already started seriously walking in faith? WHY?.... I asked friends for prayers but I myself was having a hard time to pray, I was discouraged and badly hurt but in spite of how I feel I knew in my heart that He’s the ONLY one who can help me.
Days passed November came when a friend of a relative volunteered her brother in law (who happen to be a surgeon) to conduct the operation, he waived his professional fee and all we need to pay for was the hospital expenses. It was a pleasant surprise, a surprise that we never expected. Deep in my heart I knew that the Lord was showing me signs of hope…an opportunity for me to repent and put my full dependence and trust on Him.
November 17, the day of the operation. The whole afternoon, I was just in the hospital waiting…quarter before 8pm, we were informed that we may already see mom in the recovery room, I chose not to go inside for I was uncertain on how should I act and react when I see her. Hours after, she was already brought in her room, drugged and weak, she was sleeping the whole time, I checked on her breast and it saddened me for it dawned to me how hard it might be to loose a part of your womanhood. For hours I was just watching TV but when dawn came, I just found myself staring and crying endlessly in silence. The whole time I was crying my heart out to the Lord asking Him for a favorable result of my mom’s specimen test.
Mom was discharged 3 days after, a week or two later I took the test result, on my way to the hospital I remember what my brother told me when we were in the hospital “be ready for what we are dreading the most might come sooner than later” but I refused to accept a possible fact for I know in my heart that God has other plans.
I arrived in the hospital to take the result and I had to asked him the meaning of what was written on the paper, and he said stage 3 bordering to 4, I froze for a while, I didn’t know what to say…I rushed into my car and called my brother, the whole time I was driving, tears were falling endlessly and I kept on asking God to reveal His plan for us. I tried to seek for a treatment that we can afford, mom has to go through several chemotherapy and radiation but it will cost us almost a million and we are not even sure if she would even agree to go through it or would she survive after?
I literally plead to God every night, I was asking for His mercy, compassion and grace. I was like a child weeping on bed amidst the dark night…
Heavenly Father,
I know you have a reason for everything, I may not understand it now but I will blindly trust you no matter how hard it may be for me now. Lord, please help me pray for I am having such a hard time to pray. I know in my heart that you are the only one who can help me and my family. Lord, you know in my heart that I want my mom to be healed but if your plan is otherwise I will just be asking you for 3 things, please do not allow her to suffer in pain, please ensure me of her salvation, I am holding on to your promise that when one is saved you will save the entire household and lastly, please reconcile us and teach our family how to forgive before you let her leave us…
Seven months passed, no treatments, no sufficient medication maintenance, only alkaline water and fresh fruits, but its such a joy for me to share that she’s physically strong and she doesn’t feel any pain, she in fact always have the energy to go out with her friends, she’s truly enjoying life to the fullest. We are still unsure if she’s already cancer free but I am trusting God on my mom and our family’s fate. With or without treatment if its God’s time, its God’s time.
Truly God is a remarkable, amazing and awesome God. Through all my ordeals God made me realized the importance of the things I often take for granted, God opened my eyes as to what faith and trusting is all about and most importantly, God truly, truly helped me fully understand what G-R-A-C-E means…Every time I look or even just thought about my life and my mom, I can’t help but to thank the Lord for His love, mercy, faithfulness and grace.
Often, it’s hard to understand why certain things happen in our lives, why we had to go through several hard knocks, rock bottom pains. But I realized that the reason behind it because God loves us and He wants to mold our character through faith-strengthening experiences, He wants to humble us in order for us to be reminded that we need to trust & love Him and be fully dependent on Him, Him alone. God can always choose to send someone to monetarily help us and my mom for her treatment but God chose not to in order for me to witness His grace and believe that money nor science is not the answer.
God’s ways is truly unfathomable. And I know in my heart that sooner or later He will answer all my prayer for my family and His grace will reconcile my parents and siblings and bring them all to salvation. I am looking forward to the day where I will be worshipping the Lord with my whole family.
To God be all the honor, praise and glory!!!