Testament of Changed Reality

In the past years, I was taught with a profound sense of humility in the face of tremendous adversity both in my personal and professional life. For years, I operated my life under a belief that I could continuously live in my own liking with just little consequences for everything. I thought I am solely in charged of my life and I own it, so I thought I could do anything that I wanted and that fate was under my control, but I was wrong…truly wrong!

Surviving life itself is challenging and growing up feeling alone while covering and denying all personal pains is indeed a tough feat . I thought I was just normal, living life as it should be, living it to the fullest ! I had tons of so-called friends from all walks of life, a loving boyfriend and a pretty successful career. I was able to buy things that I wanted and went to different places, I may not had everything but I had a life that may be an envy to some.

I fell in love with the world and allowed myself to be succumbed to what it can offer, for the hope that it will bring life and fill the emptiness that I can’t explain. I covered my loneliness with laughter, my insecurity with false confidence through material dependency; I was disrespectful to my parents but I covered it with gifts and monetary support, I became proud but I covered it with false humility so I can please others with the hope that I will be liked and eventually loved by the people that I seek for attention….My life was a complete denial; However, in my grievances and pain, I always remembered that there is a God that I can blame, when the truth was I never thought of Him when I was in my so-called normal predicament; Well, I knew Him by concept, my saving grace when things were going beyond my control and as someone to thank for when my evil thoughts turned into a reality…

I thought I was just insanely blind but I never did realize that I already died long before I knew.

I was like a zombie walking aimlessly, its mere existence didn’t have any meaningful purpose. I was just like bouncing around and floating without gravity wherever the universe will take me….Until the universe took me to an UPWARD direction, I saw the light and has given a chance to see life in a totally different perspective.

The fact that I am writing this blog now is a testament of a changed reality, a change that I didn't expect to happen and a reality that I didn't do that directed me to the eternity that I was silently hoping for, since.

My life is still far from perfect, I still go through daily challenges, excruciating pains and great deal of adversities, I still don’t have everything that I want but I am thankful on the fact that all my needs are provided for; His love and grace in my life is more than enough to bring peace and joy that transcends all understanding.

Thank you Jesus for allowing me to live again.

I now know that I no longer just exist but I am now living life with a purpose.

2 Corinthians 5;17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

JOY in Pain

I spent the entire day at home, thinking things out and stress eating, I wanted to pray but seems that I allowed sadness to get in my way.

For the past 3 days I had some encounters with my dad, he’s surprisingly sober and much less sarcastic and seems to be in a light mood. I was just observing the entire time hoping that he won’t have even a drop of liquor in his system but God is good! Outrage and sarcasm seems to be on vacation.

The whole day I was busy eating, making gourmet sandwiches for myself and making lemongrass ginger tea which I recently learned that it has lots of health benefits and a good cancer prevention drink. While I was busy sipping my afternoon tea as I watch NCIS Strikes Back, I suddenly found myself getting a mug and handing my dad a mug of tea, for some weird and unknown reason it felt really good! It was heart- warming and I got a bit teary eyed. Guess, I really missed my old man and in that simple gesture I felt a certain kind of connection…somehow.

Wish time would come that I would be able to sit down and have a nice chat with dad. One thing is for sure, despite and in spite of the pain I feel whenever my dad is on his not so good behaviour most of the time, I know deep inside, my cries out of the pain was born out of love.

I love you dad!

Run...

I wanna run,

I wanna hide

And just set all my feelings aside

I wanna be still

And just stare

As the wind blows all my thoughts in thin air

I wanna rest and forget

And be somewhere far-fetched

I wanna sleep,

And just fold my eyes

For I no longer want to cry

I just wanna be set free

And feel no pain

Cause it feels like I am just waiting in vain.

Sometimes I just wonder...

Sometimes I wonder

As to where life will take me,

As to what life will bring me

And as to how my life will be

In this world where

The only permanent thing is uncertainty.

But in spite of it all

I thank God for the love and security

That no matter how, where and what life be

I know that I have a Saviour who will never, ever leave me.

Alleluia to our Saviour,...

Crying For Grace

When will my wilderness end?

When will my crying end?

When will my pain end?

I know God loves me

No question on the fact that He will never forsake me

But sometimes I can’t help but feel weary

While waiting for His mercy and grace to my family.

Lord, please stay near me and help me pray

Please put me in your arms and just allow me to lay

As you lay me to rest

Please be patient in listening to my aching heart

And do not ever let the enemy thwart

God's Wrath

Romans 12:19 ESV

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

One of the things that disappoint most people is when they had to beg for the very thing that they worked hard for; Leniency and kindness should be exercised but it’s more downright disappointing when abused. Yesterday, I attended Sunday worship, I remember vividly what Pastor Bong said, “be joyful even if what is due to you here on earth has been delayed for its delay will inherit compounded interest in heaven, do not take vengeance to those who abuse you, for God sees everything and He is the God of justice, He is faithful to His word and His character never changes. Remember you are God’s child, just let them do what they please, their days are numbered and in due time God’s ire will be upon them.”

Have an honest heart check, are you the abused or the abuser?

Romans 13:4 ESV

For he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer.

BEST GIFT

About a year and a month ago mom was diagnosed with stage 3 (bordering to 4, according to the doctor) breast cancer, her right breast was taken out and was advised to go through chemo and radiation which would cost our family almost a million. It was almost about a month and a half month before Christmas then, it was so painful, the kind of pain that no one can do anything about; I remember my brother even told me then to already prepare myself for soon mom might bid the world goodbye….My wide dark glasses covered up the tears that was about to secretly fall.

It was the most painful Christmas for me, I felt so lost, never in my life that I had to face such pain….excruciating pain. I questioned God, why? That moment, I enumerated one by one to God all pain that He allowed me to go through –- can’t find work, no projects, got ONDOYed, unpaid bills, credit card collector harassment, living with a father who’s daily routine includes getting drunk and go on rage to lash out all his hang-ups on me and to my half-brother; With all such craziness happening I asked God “ano pa? ano pa ba?” I questioned God, I envied those people that I know whom I thought was being blessed in spite of their disobedience and blindness of God. Admittedly, for a time I isolated myself to almost everyone (including family)…all I wanted was to be alone or just to be with people whom I can to talk to about God and not the world.

It was a struggle to face mom at that time; every interaction was a tough act. I have to appear strong in spite of my inner struggles. I tried to be as normal, where normalcy in the family is defined as non-demonstrative, even if deep inside my heart was breaking to death and all I wanted to tell mom how much I love her dearly.

I am blessed to be surrounded with godly encouraging friends; friends who patiently listened to my cries, friends who encouraged me to have more faith and just trust God’s plan, friends who prayed not only for me but for my mom as well and for friends who always reminded me to always believe in the power of prayer during those times that I was in doubt, were more questions are found than answers and at the time when I was so tempted to give-up my faith.

2010 came, lot of things happened; some good, some bad. But all throughout the year by heart I learned to even have more faith even if I don’t see anything nor have anything to hold on to, even if tomorrow seems to be so black then, I just trusted God’s character, promises and faithfulness.

Last night, December 16, our d-groups’ Christmas party, during the evangelical message of our leader, he asked “what is the greatest gift you think have you ever received?” I got teary eyed, it reminded me how much God truly loves me, how blessed I am, for sometimes I forget the graces that He blessed me with because I sometimes tend to focus too much on the disturbances that the enemy is trying to create….shame on me.

God has given me and my family so much grace, things that I/we do not and will never deserve – our daily bread, provision for our monthly bills and the things that we need, work projects, Adrian, restoration of Diego, my brothers and sisters in Christ, great godly friends / acquaintances, my family, our good health….I do not have a perfect life but by God’s grace, He blessed me with everything that we need, He made me understand and appreciate by heart the simple and yet most important things in life through the lessons that I had to go through from 2008-2010. God truly disciplines those He love, to make them the kind of person that He wants them to be for His glory.

2011 is fast approaching and I am looking forward to what God has planned for me, I will be facing Christmas and the new year with smile and confidence for God is already one by one answering my prayers.

You know what’s the best gift I’ve received this Christmas?

MOM IS CANCER FREE.

Thank you very much Lord!!!!! All the praise, honor and glory are yours……

Note: Thank you so much for all your love, support and most especially prayers. Mom, didn’t go through any chemo and radiation though she may still have her maintenance medication but at least the doctor has already cleared her. God used my mom's cancer for me to fully understand what grace truly, truly means; Mom is a living example of God’s mercy and grace. Please continue to include my mom in your prayer, may her cancer won't recur, please pray for our family's salvation, reconcillation and good health as well. Kung gusto nyo sama nyo na rin yung GB ko ; ) hehehe

May God truly bless each and every one of you. My mom's story is a testimony that God truly listens, just be patiently obedient and never give-up on Him even if everything seems to be so dark and gray.

Have a very Merry CHRISTmas and a blessed 2011!!!! I love you all! I LOVE YOU LORD!!!!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!